


When We Stay In

by Gleedegrassibigfan



Series: What Is It Exactly: Autistic Matteo [5]
Category: Druck | SKAM (Germany)
Genre: Autism, Autism Spectrum Disorder, Autistic Matteo, Autistic Matteo Florenzi, Canon Compliant, Canon Trans Character, Date Night, Davenzi, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, IKEA, Interpersonal Conflict, Light Angst, M/M, Mostly Canon Compliant, Sensory Processing Disorder, Trans Male Character, What Is It Exactly: Autistic Matteo, autistic headcanon, david/jonas friendship, lol yes this emotional angsty davenzi/jonas fic also features ikea, matteo/jonas friendship, productive angst, self diagnosed autism, self-diagnosis, sometimes things get worse before they get better
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-26
Updated: 2019-08-26
Packaged: 2020-09-27 05:13:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,186
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20402236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gleedegrassibigfan/pseuds/Gleedegrassibigfan
Summary: This time as David hovered in the doorway of Matteo’s room, he had absolutely no qualms about thinking about how adorable and amazing Matteo was as he lay curled up in bed, hair an absolute mess as he nuzzled into the pillow. Seeing Matteo so peacefully comfortable in bed that Wednesday night made David’s heart swell with pride and his head fill with comparisons.~or~Matteo and David have an emotional conversation after a date night in takes an unexpected and very necessary turn.





	When We Stay In

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! Welcome to part 5 of What Is It Exactly!
> 
> I don't think this is a big deal, but just so we are on the same page, I did up the rating from General to Teen And Up for this part, since there is a little bit more discussion of sex in this part than the others. It is still very mild— nothing at all graphic— but it didn't feel entirely G rated. Okay, anyway, moving on...
> 
> As always, I am dyslexic and autistic, but not trans, so if anything is inaccurate, offensive or just feels off, please let me know and I’ll edit accordingly! 
> 
> Enjoy! 
> 
> The title is from “Mile High” by James Blake

This time as David hovered in the doorway of Matteo’s room, he had absolutely no qualms about thinking about how adorable and amazing Matteo was as he lay curled up in bed, hair an absolute mess as he nuzzled into the pillow. Seeing Matteo so peacefully comfortable in bed that Wednesday night made David’s heart swell with pride and his head fill with comparisons.

Just a month ago, Matteo spent his nights at the flatshare in suffering, turned away from the blazing streets lights, not even bothering to use blankets because they were just so underwhelming that they became overwhelming. 

But now, Matteo had blackout curtains. Blackout curtains that had been bought for him by Hans the very afternoon that he came out to him as autistic because that was just how accepting and kind Hans was. David, Hans, and Matteo had spent that Friday night painstakingly taking down the old curtains hanging up the new ones, which were identical in color, but were ten times heavier and thicker, blocking out every ounce of light and even muffling some of the street sounds. Matteo had slept so well that night. 

The blackout curtains only did so much, though, and Matteo had still reported subpar sleep the next 2 nights, when David hadn’t been there to lie with him. As romantic as it was, they both knew it wasn’t just missing his boyfriend that was keeping Matteo up. Matteo needed just the right amount of pressure on him at all times. It comforted him, it calmed him down, it made his body feel right in a way that it couldn’t on its own. It had been one of the first things they put together after Matteo’s self-diagnosis. It had taken them the whole month to do anything serious about it, but finally, they had, and it was actually in part thanks to Hans. 

On Monday night, Hans had burst into Matteo’s room, absolutely adamant that Matteo stop playing his video game and David stop salving over his shot list so they could join him, Linn and the sublease girl on a flatshare field trip to IKEA; their old hand me down couch had finally given out, the sublease girl needed a floor lamp and Linn was thinking about moving to Sweden. Hans also claimed they needed more flatshare bonding time, which for some reason included David. And good thing it did, too, because that was one of Matteo’s conditions for joining the trip. That, “And no one gets to complain about me wearing my headphones on the bus. The bus at rush hour is loud as shit.”

No one did complain about how Matteo immediately pulled his headphones on and closed his eyes as soon as he took a seat on the crowded bus. Well, no one except Matteo himself. 

“You okay?” David had asked when he saw Matteo pull off his headphones from his spot holding onto the rail above Matteo’s seat.

“Music just makes it worse,” Matteo mumbled, looking to the side. “Too much sound from the music but not enough to drown out all this, so it’s just too much.” 

“I’m sorry,” David said, right as a group of nearby tourist burst into laughter. “Anything I can do?” 

“Magically make these headphones the noise-canceling kind,” Matteo joked, cracking a half assumed, half defeated smile. All David could then was send him back the same smile, and assure him that they would be to IKEA soon. 

When they did arrive at IKEA, it only took a few minutes of being off the bus for Matteo to bounce back. The evening ended up being pretty fun for everyone because wandering around a giant furniture store with some of your favorite people is a great way to spend a few hours. Plus, Matteo really loved the meatballs and insisted on buying a bag of frozen meatballs to take home, along with the new couch, a lamp and a set of drawer handles that where exactly the color Kiki and Carlos were on the hunt for. It was those four items, plus one more unexpected, yet well thought out purchase.

“We are lost, Matteo, just admit it,” David had said playfully as they wandered through the bedding section, separated from the group. 

“Lost, on a different path, taking a detour, same thing,” Matteo said, turning the store map left and right, trying to figure it out. “Okay, is being shit at directions part of autism because this map makes zero sense to me.”

“Maybe,” David said, not fully focused. He was too distracted by the shelf that they had accidentally navigated themselves to in a failed attempt to make it back to the lamp section. “Wait, Matteo,” David said, reaching out to grab Matteo’s backpack to keep him from getting too far. 

“What?” Matteo asked, as he took a few steps back so he was standing by David, who was staring intently at the shelf in front of them. 

“Weighted blankets,” he said. 

“Weighted blankets,” Matteo repeated, turning to look at the shelf. After a moment of processing, he excitedly said, “Oh my god, weighted blankets! Those are supposed to be great for autistic people!”

“Do you think it would work for you?” David asked, turning to look at him. “Like, do you think it would help you sleep better and feel more comfortable?”

“Well, yeah, I don’t see why not,” Matteo said. 

“Then let’s get you one,” David said, reaching to pick one up, but Matteo grabbed his wrist, stopping him.

“But it’s like 60 euros,” Matteo said in a hushed tone. “That’s way too expensive for a blanket.” 

“Yeah, but if it helps you, then it is worth it, right?” David asked, but he wasn’t going to take no for an answer. “And we can split the cost, so it won’t be that bad for either of us.” 

“David, no, you don’t have to pay for this,” Matteo said. “I don’t want you to feel responsible for paying for stuff like this for me.”

“But it’s not like that, Matteo,” David said. “This is our life together. We stay at each other’s places, we wear each other’s clothes, you cook for me, I do laundry for you. We share so much of our lives. We can go in together on a weighted blanket.”

“Fuck, I know you’re right,” Matteo said, scrunching his eyes shut. “But why do I still feel bad?” 

“Just because this an autism related expense doesn’t make it a bigger deal to me, okay?” David said. Instead of responding, Matteo just opened his eyes and stared sadly at the price tag. David sighed, bringing his hand up to rub Matteo’s shoulder. He didn’t want to go there, but he knew he needed to, and so he would. He knew their experiences as an autistic guy and a trans guy weren’t the same, but they were similar enough to make things work. The equivalencies that they found in each other’s experiences were one of the ways they communicated and got through moments like this. “I get it, though, I do. I would feel just as guilty about you helping me buy a new binder or—”

“Wait, do you need a new one?” Matteo interrupted, all his melancholy and hesitation replaced with concerned inattentiveness. “’Cause I don’t think they sell those here, but we can look.” 

“No, I don’t need a new one, but, you just proved my point,” David said, smiling. “You wouldn’t bat an eye at helping me out with trans stuff, would you? Just like I wouldn’t with autism stuff.” 

“Yeah,” Matteo said, fading back into his own thoughts and emotions. His eyes returned to the price tag as they stood there for a minute, David’s hand planted on Matteo's shoulder. 

“Okay, we aren’t going to solve all of this right now,” David said, pushing away his impulse to stay in IKEA for as long as it would take to work through the issue until both of them got over the weirdness and just accepted the other’s love laced generosity. “So, let’s just compromise. We’ll call my half of the weighted blanket an early birthday present?” 

Matteo tore his eyes away from the tag and pivoted to face at David. “Deal,” he said, jutting his hand out. David just chuckled as he moved to shake Matteo’s hand, which quickly turned into a hug and a quick kiss on Matteo’s cheek before they separated and pulled the blanket off the shelf. 

And, two days after buying it, David had the pleasure of coming into Matteo’s room to find his boyfriend lying in bed facing the blackout curtain equipped windows, curried up under the weighted blanket, sleepy and blissful from their date night in. 

“Well, this is a breath of fresh air,” David said tenderly, with a hint of teasing in his voice as he stood by the door he had just securely closed and locked. 

“Hmm,” Matteo mumbled, stirring ever so slightly. 

David left his spot but the door, swiftly reaching the bed. Being far away from Matteo wasn’t good for talking or for the ache in David’s heart that always pulled him in Matteo’s direction. 

“I just mean that most of the time when I find you like this, you are having a panic attack or bad sensory overload,” David said, crawling on to the bed, and settling in next Matteo. “And I don’t mind that, at all, don’t get me wrong. But I love seeing you so content.”

“Yup, no sensory overload this time,” Matteo said, pulling himself closer to David. David had left a little space between them because he didn’t want to infringe on Matteo’s use of the weighted blanket, but Matteo wasn’t having it, not that David was complaining. “Just the best date night ever. I mean, the movie was okay, but you and the pasta were delicious.”

“Sometimes I don’t know if you are more in love with food or with me,” David said playfully.

“Have you not been paying attention?” Matteo asked, moving to kiss David’s nose between each word. “You are the food.”

“God, you are so weird,” David said, laughing and pushing Matteo away for a second.

“You love it,” Matteo said, pulling David back towards him before David could make the move himself. 

“I do,” David said, nuzzling his forehead into Matteo’s and just staying in that moment until he remembered he had a question to ask. “So, the weighted blanket is good?”

“So good,” Matteo answered, almost breathlessly. “I can’t even describe it. It just feels so right. Like the way it feels when you lay on top of me, but more stable because the blanket doesn’t have to get up to pee or breath or whatever.”

“Wow, I’ve been replaced,” David said, feigning offense. 

“Nothing could replace you,” Matteo said earnestly, tilting down to catch David’s lips in a simple, reassuring kiss. 

“Good,” David whispered. “But I am glad the blanket is working. I’m really happy for you.”

Matteo nodded, not saying anything for a minute before he finally spoke again. “How was your shower?”

David smiled, the power of this question being the reciprocation of his question about the weighted blanket not lost on him. “It was really good,” David said. “My shower dysphoria is getting easier and easier to handle. Still a challenge, but I’m dealing. But that wasn’t even the ‘really good’ part. It’s just, you know, I’ve never really taken a shower anywhere other than my place, and yeah, I mean, it shouldn’t be a big deal, it really shouldn’t—”

“But it is, and that’s fine,” Matteo said, knowing exactly what David needed to hear in that moment. It had been David’s idea to take shower before bed there at the flatshare but, even still, the idea of walking back through the living room without his binder underneath Matteo’s t-shirt to get back to the bedroom afterward was nerve-wracking. He knew he could have thrown caution to the wind and just put it back on for a few minutes, but he was trying so hard to bind safely these days. He hadn’t explicitly told any of his post-shower anxieties to Matteo, but he picked it all up from knowing David so well. Who says autistic people can’t be intuitive and in tune to people’s needs? 

“Thank you,” David said, and pushing on. “I made it work. The fact that no one was in the living room to see me made it a whole lot easier, but still, walking through successfully made me feel pretty damn powerful.”

“I knew you could do it,” Matteo said, sticking his hand out from under the blanket to find David’s. “You should be proud.”

“I am,” David said, satisfied, as he laced his fingers together with Matteo’s. 

“And for the record,” Matteo said. “If there is a next time, and there are people in the living room, I can’t get rid of them for you, if you want.”

“You’re the best,” David said, shifting to place a kiss on Matteo’s nearby cheek, before asking another question. “Speaking of showers, when was the last time you showered?”

“Ehhhh,” Matteo said, thinking. “Last week, sometime? Like, maybe Thursday night? Yes, I showered before I talked with Jonas, I remember now.”

“Really?” David asked, disgruntled, but not by Matteo’s answer. David was used to Matteo going without showers and he didn’t judge the inaction because he had been through his own fair share of showerless days. The irritation in David’s tone came from the anger and shame he felt at the mention of Jonas’ name. 

“Is that too long?” Matteo asked, misreading David’s tone. David would have corrected him, but the explanation he started giving stopped him. “Because, honestly, sometimes I can’t tell. I mean, showering is sensory hell, so I don’t exactly feel motivated to do it even when I can tell I need to, but half the time, I just don’t think I am connected enough to what is going on with my body to be able to tell. Which is so weird because I am way too connected to what is going on around me. It’s like someone fucked up and put all my sensory processing abilities towards external stuff instead of balancing it with the internal stuff.” 

“Well, yeah, that does make sense,” David said, nodding along as he focused on Matteo once again, pushing away those nasty emotions about Jonas. “You know, if the main issue is making the determination, I could help clue you in to when you need to shower, if you would be okay with that.”

“Why, do I smell?” Matteo asked, smirking, bringing his face even closer to David’s. 

“Umm,” David hummed, looking up at the ceiling and sliding a few inches away as he played along. 

“Okay, okay, I’ll take a shower tomorrow,” Matteo said, laughing as he gave up the act. He pulled David back towards him using their still clasped hands, and whispered flirtatiously, “But if I’m so dirty, then why did you just have sex with me?”

Overcome with way more affection than he wanted to admit to, all David could do was roll over to keep his blushing face away from Matteo, and mutter out an innocent, “Fuck you.”

“I’m pretty sure you just did,” Matteo said slyly, shifting ungracefully under the blanket so he could grab on to David from behind. 

David could have teased him or turned back over to playfully roughhouse like they so often did. But he didn’t. It was exhausting to mask how he was really feeling, to pretend that Matteo’s carefree silliness and unabashed joyousness didn’t make his heart burn with love and make his head race with thoughts that were way too intense even for him. And the more he felt his face flushed with all those emotions, the harder it was to pretend that being with Matteo that night didn’t make him want to explode from loving Matteo too much and from hating himself for the things that love made him do. 

So, he just let Matteo hold him, and after time passed in cuddles and subtle kisses on the back of his neck and gentle rubs on his wrists, David tried to express some of what he was feeling. 

“But, Matteo, even if you do smell or feel a little gross, it doesn’t bother me,” David said wistfully, still turned away from Matteo, but very much in his arms. “Like, I just want to feel close to you. I just want to be close to you. There is very little that is going to get in the way of that. No, actually, I don’t think there is anything that could. I tried, god, I tried really hard, but you just fought through all my BS and now I can’t run or hide, and I don’t even really want to anymore. Because every day, everything that happens, it just makes me want you more and it just makes me more in love with you. And I just want to live this life with you, and nothing is going to stop that feeling. Not that I am looking for something to stop it, but it’s just. Fuck, I wish I could draw this for you, it would be so much fucking easier, but, I’m working on words. I just, I just—”

“David, what is going?” Matteo said, sitting up a little to try to peer over to David’s face, which was being to become red again. This— long-winded, nervous speeches—  
wasn’t normal for David.

David let out a deep breath as he sat up. “I just, I think I love you too much sometimes, which you absolutely deserve,” David said, sitting on the edge of the bed, looking at the curtains in front of him. He heard Matteo moving behind him, and soon, he felt his hands rest on his shoulders. He reached up to put his hand on one of Matteo as he continued. “But, I just can’t stop myself from having all these intense feelings and thoughts and taking all these intense actions, and you bring out the best in me, but sometimes I just— shit, I have to tell you something.” 

“Okay,” Matteo said, as David turned around, repositioning himself on the bed so he was sitting cross-legged and facing Matteo, who was still perched up on his bent legs, only wearing a loose t-shirt, boxers, and an uneasy face. 

“So, yesterday, when I went to drop off those drawer handles at Kiki and Carlos’, Jonas was there, and I sort of talked to him about you and your autism,” David admitted, breathing out heavily. He was prepared to explain the long-overdue details, but Matteo’s hand on his knee stopped him. 

“I feel like I should tell you that I know,” Matteo said, nervously, biting his lip.

“Really?” David asked, surprised. He should have seen that coming, but he was trying so hard to steal a move from the old Matteo and just ignore the reality of his problems instead of turning them over and over in his head until he ran.

“Jonas texted me this afternoon before you came over,” Matteo said. 

“Wait, wait, so you knew this whole time?” David asked. There were way too many thoughts that came to mind, and he didn’t like most of them, but one was promising. “So, does that mean, you are okay with it, and that is why you didn’t say anything?”

“No, David, of course, I’m not okay with it,” Matteo said, tone shifting away from guilt and towards distress. “I mean, look at you, you clearly know this is something that would upset me. And it isn’t just that you talked about me and my autism without my permission to Jonas, who I am not on good terms with right now. You did all of that and then didn’t even tell me about it.”

“I just did tell you about it!” David said, aggressively, his competitiveness and perfectionism seeping out, even though he wished it wouldn’t.

“Yeah, but I had to find out from him,” Matteo said. “Why didn’t you tell me yesterday after you guys talked or today when you got here?”

“Because I knew you would get upset, and I didn’t want to upset you, and because, because—”

“Well, if you knew I would get upset then why did you do it in the first place?” Matteo asked loudly not letting David finish.

“Because I couldn’t help myself, Matteo!” David yelled, beginning to explaining himself, but not in the way he wanted to. “He was such a fucking asshole to you and he hurt you so bad and I just couldn’t help myself!” 

“How would you have felt if Laura had come up to me and started yelling at me about the way I reacted when you came out to me!?” Matteo countered, just as abrasively. 

“That is so different and you know it,” David said, pointedly. “You didn’t say transphobic shit to me, he said ableist shit to you. I wasn’t mad at you, you are mad at him. And Laura is my sister and you’re my boyfriend. It’s different. We are not bringing that into this. And I didn’t just start yelling at him, okay? Is that what he told you?”

“Well, no but I mean, it’s sort of safe to assume that you would yell at him,” Matteo said, with a dejected shrug as he stared at his hands. David wanted to defend himself against that statement, but he knew there was no use arguing with the truth, so he just stayed silent and let Matteo keep going. “I know you want to protect me and I really do appreciate it, but you are the one that is always telling me that I’m the professional on myself. That you don’t want to speak for me. That you can’t speak for me. So, I don’t understand why you would do this.”

“But you just said you understand that I want to protect you!” David said, trying not to shout, but not being able to hold back all of his frustration. 

“So, you think I can’t protect myself?” Matteo asked combatively, back to being impassioned for a brief moment. The legitimate eye contact that Matteo made just for that second cut to David’s core. 

“No, I didn’t say that,” David said, but Matteo wasn’t done. 

“I was going to talk to Jonas,” Matteo said, but the aggression fell from his voice again as he looked away and continued. The disappointment in his tone was ten times worse than the anger. “You knew that. I was planning and thinking about what I was going to say to him. It was your idea in the first place.”

“Look, Matteo, it was an accident I swear,” David said, leaning towards Matteo. His fear of making things worse and his own self-loathing kept him from reaching out to touch or hold Matteo like he so desperately wanted to. “I know you’re capable of taking care of yourself and protecting yourself, and I hate that I got in the way of you having that conversation. I didn’t go there to talk to him, it just sort of happened. I lost control. I’m really, really sorry.”

“I just wish you would have told me yesterday after it happened, or today when you came over,” Matteo said, softly.

“I’m sorry. I just didn’t know how to tell you, because I just couldn’t, I don’t know,” David said, shaking his head. 

“I mean, what was your plan here?” Matteo said, looking back up. “Did you really think that you could talk to Jonas and that I would never find out?”

“Oh my god,” David sighed. He turned away from Matteo. He couldn’t do this anymore. He couldn’t face him, he couldn’t be so close to him, he couldn’t hide his own frustrations. He found a new position sitting on the edge of the bed, legs hanging off. It felt familiar like he could bolt if he wanted to. “What was my plan? What was—fuck,” he said, stopping himself from saying “your plan.” 

“What?” Matteo said, bitterness suddenly present in his voice. David could feel his eyes burning through the back of his head. “What were you going to say that you didn’t say?”

“Fuck,” David repeated, knowing he had to tell the truth. Matteo would accept no less and he deserved no less. He couldn’t run anymore, not physically, not emotionally. But he couldn’t turn around. So, he just sat there and said what he had to say to the open air. “Just that I wish you had told me as soon as you found out, too. Because, yeah, I sat at on it all though our date, but so did you. I mean, Jonas texted you this afternoon, right? But I know it is not that simple for you, so let’s just get back to how I fucked up because you didn’t—”

“You know you are allowed to be mad at me, right?” Matteo asked abruptly.

“What?” David asked, turning his head to look at Matteo in surprise. 

“You are allowed to be mad at me, David,” Matteo repeated firmly as David sat stunned by Matteo’s assertion and conversational shift. “I am allowed to be mad at you, and you are allowed to be mad at me. We are in a relationship. It’s going to happen.”

“I don’t—” David started, a little lost. “What are you saying?”

“You’re upset that I didn’t tell you about Jonas’ text right away, but you don’t want to be upset or tell me that that’s how you feel because you know that the reason I didn’t tell you right away is that I’m a slow processor. Because I’m autistic,” Matteo explained. “Right? Am I reading this correctly?”

“Well, yeah, but, Matteo, I have no right to be upset about things like that, things you can’t control,” David said. “And, I am not that upset about it, seriously.”

“Okay, but if you were, that would be okay,” Matteo pushed on, reaching to find the words but still getting them out with pose. “I don’t want you to feel like you’re walking on eggshells around me. Like, if you feel like you can never be mad at me or express frustration or be anything but happy with me in this relationship, then this is going to go to shit really fast. And I really don’t want this to go to shit. I need to know that you aren’t going to let the fact that I am autistic change the fact that we are in a healthy relationship.” 

“I’m confused,” David said. “Do you want me to be mad about things? Do you want me to be an asshole about your autism and make a big deal out of the times when you do something that isn’t totally socially acceptable because of your autism? Because I don’t want to do that.” 

“No, of course not, but that’s not what I am talking about,” Matteo said. He paused, biting his lip before he found the words he needed to continue. “Autism isn’t a get out a jail free card. It doesn’t mean I can’t be held responsible for the shitty things I do, like plotting to break up Hanna and Jonas or being a shitty boyfriend to Sara. I may have done those things because I was autistic and depressed and confused, but that doesn’t make them okay. And so, if I do something like that to you, which I really hope I won’t because I don’t want to fuck this up, but if I do, I need to know that you won’t just bury it. I want you to be mad.”

“Okay, yeah, but this isn’t that kind of situation,” David said, turning his body a little bit more towards Matteo, starting to understand where he was coming from.

“Well, I’m getting there,” Matteo said. “Like, it isn’t just the big mads. It is the little mads too. It’s stuff like this, where we both mess up a little. I didn’t tell you that Jonas texted me right away because I needed some time to process, but I shouldn’t have just kept going with our date night pretending everything was fine. And I’m sorry for that. Because here’s the thing, David, when I do a little thing like that because I’m autistic, I get frustrated about it too.” 

“But that’s just it,” David said. “I don’t want to make things worse by being upset when you’re already upset at yourself.”

“But I don’t think it would make things worse for you to express your emotions,” Matteo said. “Yeah, it might suck in the moment, but in the long run? I mean, you are the future-focused one here, but I do I think that it would be worse if you bottled up your emotions. I know how shitty things get when you bury small problems until they become big problems later. It’s not good, and we can’t let that happen to us, we just can’t.”

“I don’t want that either, Matteo,” David said, finally turning his body all the way around so he was back in front of Matteo, cross-legged and close enough to reach out to grab both of his hands as Matteo continued.

“I want our relationship to be healthy and that starts with healthy communication,” Matteo said, effortfully. “Even when it is hard. It’s a two-way street of honesty.”

“Honesty,” David repeated.

“Honesty,” Matteo repeated again. “So, can you please tell me, honestly, how you are feeling right now?”

“Really shitty,” David said, looking down at their hands. “If I am being honest, I was frustrated, not fully mad, but frustrated, that you didn’t tell me right away. But, if you want even more honesty—”

“Which I do,” Matteo said, kindly. 

“I am madder at myself for not telling you right away,” David said. “And more than that, I am mad at myself for even talking to Jonas in the first place.”

“Okay, that makes sense,” Matteo said. 

“I just really—” David started, still unable to say exactly what he wanted to say. 

“Hey, it’s okay,” Matteo said, letting go of one of David’s hands to graze his hand lovingly across David’s still burning cheek. “Should we maybe talk about what actually happened with Jonas? Because his text didn’t really tell me that much.”

“Yes, yes,” David said genuinely thankful for the chance to explain. “I will tell you everything, exactly how it happened. Okay, so,” he started, breathing heavily, as Matteo started fiddling with the collar of David’s shirt. “I went over to Kiki and Carlos’ place, dropped off the handles, they paid me back, and the three of us chatted at the door for a minute. Then, right as I was about to leave, Jonas came out from inside the apartment—he was over helping out or something. So, the four of us talked for a minute, but I left pretty soon after that because I was not happy to see Jonas, and I didn’t want to be too obvious about it. But when I turned around to leave, he followed me.”

“Hey, David, wait up,” Jonas had called out, crossing the threshold out into the hallway, but David didn’t exactly stop walking away. “I’ll help you with those handles in a minute, dude,” Jonas said, looking back to Carlos. “David and I have official Matteo business to attend to.”

David’s eyebrows raised and he was thankful Jonas couldn’t see his dismay. “What do you want, Jonas?” he asked when he realized Kiki had closed the door and Jonas was standing right behind him as he stepped down into the breezeway. 

“I just wanted to touch base about all that stuff Matteo was telling me the other day,” Jonas said, following as they walked through the breezeway. 

“Why?” David asked coldly, working hard to keep his emotions in check. “I’m not Matteo.”

“No, but, you’re his boyfriend,” Jonas said. “You are still his boyfriend, right?”

“Yes, of course, I am,” David said, pausing to look at Jonas before he stepped out into the courtyard. “Why wouldn’t I be?” he asked turning back around and proceeding. 

“You’re just acting sort of weird about this,” Jonas said. “Are you not on board with this either?”

“Either?” David repeated, appalled. “There is no on board or not on board. Matteo is autistic.” 

“That’s not what I meant,” Jonas said. “But, honestly, though, is he? I mean—”

“You’ve known him your whole life, you’ve never seen any signs, you think he is just exaggerating, that it is just normal stuff that everyone goes through because that’s how the spectrum works, yeah, he told me everything you said, so you can spare me the ableism,” David said, pace picking up. 

“Whoa, whoa,” Jonas said. “Dude, can you just cut me a little slack here? I am just confused—”

“You’re confused? Try being betrayed and belittled by your best friend in the whole world!” David yelled, turning around to stand and face Jonas as he gave in to his emotions. “As much as I don’t want to be the overprotective boyfriend right now, I can’t not be because your reaction really hurt Matteo. Those things you said were ableist and they really hurt him. When he got home, he was questioning everything and he felt like absolute shit because first you didn’t get it and then you walked all over him and then you were totally wrong about pretty much everything! How is he supposed to not be angry and hurt about that?”

“You don’t think I know I messed up?” Jonas yelled back, taking another step towards David, so he was standing a tad too close. “He hasn’t been responding to my messages, and he didn’t even post a #florenzifriday! Clearly, I did something wrong, but I just don’t know what. Or what I’m even supposed to do here. That’s why I am coming to you. I looked stuff up after we talked, but I don’t get it. I read articles like you guys did, and I just don’t see it.”

“That’s because you don’t know Matteo like Matteo knows himself!” David said. 

“But you—”

“Yeah, Jonas, you don’t know him like I know him,” David interrupted. “And maybe that is because I am his boyfriend, or maybe it is because in the six months that I have known him, I have actually been paying attention and really seeing him and listening to him and trying to understand him. Because I love him and that’s why he deserves. And as his best friend, you are supposed to love him too and you should be noticing things too.”

“I do love him, he’s a brother to me,” Jonas said, taking a step out of David’s personal space, his expression and tone softening. “And, yeah, I’ve definitely missed some stuff. And I am sorry for that, I really am, but where do I go from here? Because I can’t change the fact that I messed up and didn’t notice things, and I guess I said some ableist things, but I want to be there now, so what do I do?”

David sighed, looking away from Jonas. There was a voice in his head screaming to get out, to stop this conversation which he knew shouldn’t have even been happening in the first place, not without Matteo’s permission. But another voice was telling him to stay, to keep going, because Jonas was trying, asking questions and seeking answers. David was torn, but in the moment, the only voice he was truly listening to was the one in his heart that said, “you’ve got to do what you can to be there for Matteo, to make sure he is never hurt like that again.” So, David answered Jonas’s question. 

“You need to listen to him. Believe him. Support him. Don’t question him,” David said. “I mean, when he came out as gay, you didn’t ask him to explain how he knew or why he was gay before you believed him or accepted him, did you?”

“No, but that is different,” Jonas said. “Being gay is a personal identity thing.” 

“And so is being autistic,” David said. “For Matteo and so many people, it is something that they feel is a part of who they are, their identity. That’s why he prefers ‘autistic’ not ‘person with autism.’ Because it’s a part of who he is and even though it is complicated and challenging, he is proud of it. And I know that because that is what Matteo told me.” 

“Okay, okay, sure, autism— being autistic— is a part of a person’s identity, a part of Matteo’s identity,” Jonas said. “But you can’t deny that autism is more than just that. It is also a medical diagnosis. There are doctors and phycologists that specialize in making diagnoses and doing therapy and intervention. So, autism is, at least in part, a medical thing. And I just don’t see how Matteo can come to this on his own, how he can have it as a part of his identity if he doesn’t even know for sure if he is autistic.”

“But he does know,” David said. “He did the research, he’s thought about it, we’ve talked about. He knows. And he needs you to respect that. Because at the end of the day, it really doesn’t matter if you think he is autistic or not. It isn’t up to you or anyone, even me, to decide if he is or isn’t. Matteo is the only one that gets to make that determination unless he asks someone else to, like a doctor or phycologist, if he ever decides he wants to. But right now, he isn’t asking for a doctor or for you or for anyone to weigh in. He knows he is autistic, and it is our job to support him.”

“Okay, so how do I do that?” Jonas asked. “How do I support him?” 

“First of all, apologize to him,” David said. “And tell him that you support him and then start acting like it. Use the words he wants you to use. Don’t act like autism is something to be ashamed of. Do your research, like really do your research. Learn from actually autistic people, not just their boyfriends or articles written by out of touch PhDs. Ask Matteo what he needs from you, and just do it.” 

“Okay, I can do that,” Jonas said. 

“And I guess maybe he did, or maybe he is going to,” David said to Matteo. Over time, as David told Matteo the story, he had ended up with his head in Matteo’s lap, Matteo stimming with David’s hair as he listened, taking in every word. 

“Yeah, he did apologize,” Matteo said, leaning back just enough to grab his phone off the nightstand with his other hand. “Can I read you what I sent me this afternoon?” He asked and David nodded a little. “‘Hey man, I wanted to say sorry for the way I reacted the other day when you told me that you’re autistic. I really want to talk in person sometime and make this right with you. After taking to David and doing some more research, I think I’m ready to have the conversations the right way this time. I love you, bro.’ And then a minute later, he said, ‘Oh, and hold on to David. He’s a good one. Definitely loves you and will fight for you,’ and then after that, ‘Hope you let me fight for you too.’ with a heart and the fist emoji.”

“That’s actually really sweet,” David said, head and heart still reeling. “Did you reply?”

“Not yet,” Matteo said, tossing his phone down. “I’ve been a little busy processing some other stuff.”

“I’m so sorry, Matteo,” David said, getting up so he could look Matteo in the eye. Even if Matteo wasn’t looking back at him, it still felt right to David. “I knew as soon as I left the apartment complex— which is exactly what happened next. Jonas and I said bye, and I left. And as soon as I left, I had that feeling in the pit of my stomach because I knew I had crossed a line. I was trying so hard not to overstep, but I just couldn’t stop myself. And I knew that I should have just told you. But I couldn’t. Because I was pissed at myself, sure, because I hate messing up. But I was also just scared of telling you and disappointing you. I just couldn’t fathom admitting to you that I messed up and hurt you. I didn’t want to let you down. I just love you so much. I value you and your opinion so much. And didn’t want you to think any less of me for doing something so careless and hurtful and—”

“David, it’s okay, I get it now,” Matteo said, grabbing David’s shoulders and pulling him closer. “And I absolutely don’t think any less of you.”

“So, I just tried to bury it and pretend like it didn’t happen,” David continued, barley even hearing Matteo comforting him. “Because I knew that if I listened to that little voice that said run, you would know something was wrong, like if I canceled our date night. So, I just kept on, and pushed through, acting like everything was normal, and I tricked myself into thinking that maybe you would never find out. But then this night was just so nice, and I felt so close to you, and you are just so amazing and wonderful in literally every way that I just couldn’t keep it up because I realized I was hurting you even more by keeping it from you and I don’t want to hurt you, Matteo. You were right, you were so right. No more pretending, no more lying, no more stifling my emotions out of fear or uncertainty. Honesty. From now on, only honesty.”

“Good, I like that plan,” Matteo said. “Now can I be honest?”

“Yes, please,” David said, grabbing Matteo’s hand with both his hands. 

“Thank you for telling me everything. It really helps me understand what happened and where your head was at and how I feel about it,” Matteo said, and paused, looking away in thought before he turned back to David and continued. “You know, part of the reason I didn’t say anything sooner was because I wasn’t sure how to feel at first. Because Jonas was right, you really do love me and you really are willing to fight for me. And I like that. I like that I have you looking out for me, defending me. I love that I have someone that understands me well enough to talk to Hans for me when I was too busy. Someone who knows me well enough to have that conversation with Jonas. Because yeah, you did a great fucking job. Like, all your points were valid and I probably would have said a lot of the same stuff. I just want to be the one making the decision of who is saying the stuff.” 

“See this is what I was afraid of,” David said. “I hate that I took that agency away from you. Like, that’s my worst nightmare. I just got so caught up in the moment that I couldn’t help myself. I just want everyone to love, accept and appreciate you. I just want to make things easier for you and when I’m in a moment like that we’re Jonas is coming up to me and asking me questions, I can’t help but give in to that impulse to protect and try to take that burden off your back. Because I know how fucking heavy it is. And I know that you would do the same for me, but that you would do it the right way because you aren’t so fucking impulsive.”

“You’re not impulsive, though, are you?” Matteo asked. “I think your brain just moves way too fast for your own good sometimes.”

“Yeah, I guess that’s one way to put it,” David said. 

“God, your brain is too fast, mine is too slow, we’re a mess,” Matteo joked. “Though, I guess there are advantages to each,” Matteo said seriously, thinking out loud. David smiled as he listened. He loved getting little peaks into Matteo’s brain. “I mean, for most of my life, my slow processing made me act without thinking, but now that I know I’m a slow processor, it actually keeps me from making rush decisions that I might regret later. Cause now I let my life match my brain, which is very fucking cool. Hmm, yeah, I guess there are advantages my slow processing, after all. Point one my brain. Nice.” 

“Nice is an understatement, Matteo,” David said, bringing one hand up to Matteo’s neck. “There are so many amazing ways that your brain works. I hope you know that.”

“I’m being to,” Matteo said, smiling shyly, melting into the touch. “I mean, it definitely sucks sometimes, but there are good things about it. Ways that my autism makes my life better and makes me a better person. Ways that it makes me more me.”

“And I just want the world to see and respect that,” David said.

“Me too,” Matteo said. “But I have to do it on my own terms.” 

“Yes, absolutely,” David said, bringing his hand down from Matteo’s neck, almost feeling like he didn’t deserve to touch him like that. “I am so, so sorry. I hate that I took this moment with Jonas away from you.”

“David,” Matteo whined, just as frustrated by losing the touch as he was by David’s statement. “You’ve already apologized. I’ve already forgiven you.”

“Really?” David asked.

“Yeah, I understand what happened now. I know you never would have just opened fire on Jonas if he didn’t bring it up. I know that you only did it because you love me ‘too much’, but for the record, I don’t think it’s too much,” Matteo said, letting go of David’s hand, and crawling closer to him so their faces were just centimeters apart. “I’m glad to know you love me just as much as I love you. And I know that you feel really, really bad and that this is never going to happen again.”

“No, it definitely won’t happen again,” David said flustered, eyes wide. He had been this close to Matteo a million times, but he still managed to make him feel that perfect mix of safe and nervous. 

“See, exactly, so can you please try to forgive yourself and just kiss me now?” Matteo said. 

“God, you are so fucking amazing,” David said breathlessly, reaching up to Matteo’s neck again, but this time to close the gap between them in a kiss that soothed the aching guilt in David’s soul and lit his heart on fire at the same time. He didn’t want to break away but he just couldn’t let his thoughts only be thoughts. “Like, you just never cease to amaze me,” he mumbled against Matteo’s lips. “with the things you do and the things you say and how you just—god, I love you.”

“I love you, too,” Matteo whispered before David took control again, and made sure there was no room for words between their lips. 

It went on like that for a while, but it wasn’t long before David could sense Matteo getting tired, even if his lips weren’t showing any sign of stopping. It had been a long night, and they had both used more emotional energy than they had prepared for. Even David could feel his mind and body slowing down. 

David wasn’t sure who made the first movement, but somehow Matteo’s face ended up pressed into the crook of David’s neck and David’s arms were tight around Matteo’s back. Kissing was wonderful, but David almost loved this moment more. 

Matteo, though, just had to break the moment, an assuming thought giving him a final burst of energy for the night.

“Wait, holy shit,” Matteo said, giggling, as he pushed at David’s shoulder and sat back on the bed. “Did we just have a fight?”

“No,” David said, torn between laughing at Matteo and pouting over him sitting so far away. He resolved to just stick to playful professionalism. “We had a round of healthy productive communication.”

“Okay good,” Matteo said. “I don’t want to be fighting with you.”

“Well even if it was a fight, we did a pretty damn good job resolving it,” David said with a proud, sly smile.

“Although, if it was a fight,” Matteo said coyly, drifting back towards David. “that could mean makeup sex.” 

“Oh my god,” David laughed, as Matteo ran his finger along the waistband of David’s sweatpants. “We just had sex like an hour and a half ago, are you seriously horny again?”

“Maybe…” Matteo hummed, placing a few gentle kisses on David’s neck, which just made David blush. Matteo, though, pulled himself away and sighed as he collapsed backward onto the bed, head hitting the pillow. “No, not really. I mean, I could, but I am pretty tired.”

“Me too,” David said, shifting to lie down next to Matteo. 

“Table the make-up sex?” Matteo asked, putting his arm around David as they settled in.

“It wasn’t a fight though,” David said, playfully. 

“Okay, so just table more sex?” Matteo said. 

“How is that different than any other night, then?” David asked.

“It’s not,” Matteo said blissfully. “Expect this night I have a weighted blanket, which,” he stopped, sat up a tiny bit and looked around. “Where did it go? I think I lost it in all our not fighting.”

David sat up fully and crawled down the bed a little, remembering how the blanket had fallen to the floor several conversational turns ago. He reached down to grab it and Matteo lied back down. When he came back up, David dutifully placed the blanket over Matteo, smoothing out the edges and making sure it covered him in just the right way. 

“Thank you,” Matteo said, voice quiet. 

“It’s the least I can do,” David said, positioning his head on Matteo’s chest as he lied back down. 

“Stop that, it’s over, okay? All is forgiven,” Matteo said, bringing his arm around David again as David’s body comfortably settled in around him and the blanket.

“Okay,” David hummed softly, finally closing his eyes for the first time all night. He didn’t even open them when Matteo spoke again a few minutes later, forever running off energy neither of them knew he had. 

“Too bad it isn’t Friday because this moment would be perfect for the long-overdue return of Schreibner Friday,” Matteo said, calling to mind memories of their last serious “not fight.”

“Since when do you let your temporal routines keep you posting pictures of me on your Instagram?” David asked. 

“Good point,” Matteo said. He eagerly poked his other arm out from under the blanket to grab his phone and took a quick selfie. 

It was dark in the room and he didn’t use the flash, so it was hard to make out exactly what was going on, but a few filters later it became just clear enough to see Matteo’s content face, the blanket pulled up to his chin and David peacefully cuddled up to Matteo’s chest.

“What should I caption it?” Matteo asked.

“I don’t know, that’s your department,” David said sleepily. 

A few minutes later Matteo spoke again. “I really want to do #actuallyautistic because I’ve been looking at that a lot hashtag a lot, and this is the kind of thing people post. Autistic people just sharing little bits of their life, good things, hard things, all the things, things like this.”

“Then you should,” David said, opening his eyes and tilting his head to look at Matteo. “But you’re nervous?” 

“Kind of, I don’t know,” Matteo said, thinking out loud again. “I’ve been thinking a lot about what you said, about not taking the bullshit and standing up for yourself. And while I definitely want to do that— like, I’m still going to talk to Jonas— I also want to do things like blackout curtains. You know, umm, preventative things, before things go wrong. Maybe it doesn’t have to be all big speeches and epic conversations. Maybe posting a cute picture like this can be just as good for trying to get people to understand and respect autism. Does that make sense?”

“It makes perfect sense,” David said, fondly. This was why David fought for Matteo, why he loved him, why he never wanted to let go, why he was so thankful he loved him back. Matteo was joyous, he was outgoing, he was funny. But he was also thoughtful and kind and brave and more powerful than anyone knew. David wanted the whole world to know. “You should post it.” 

“But I haven’t exactly told everyone yet,” Matteo said. 

“Well, maybe this is how you tell them. You were just talking about how it doesn’t always have to be big speeches. I mean, you’ve told the most important people in person, right?” David asked, and Matteo nodded. “Great, so you can post it and let it take care of itself. You’ll probably still have to have conversations with people, but it wouldn’t have to be this big dramatic coming out every time you want to explain something.”

“You’re a goddamn genius, you know that right?” Matteo asked, tightening his grip around David. David wanted to say “no, you are,” but Matteo continued before he could. “I’m not even joking, David. Like, I know that lately, I’ve been on the receiving end of things, it’s been a lot of you being there for me. And I know you don’t want me to apologize for that, so I won’t. But I just want you to know how much I appreciate everything you’ve been doing for me. You’re an awesome guy, David. Just the best. And I’m so lucky. And I love you. So so so much. 

“Matteo, do you not see how much you’ve been there for me tonight and all the time?” David asked, genuinely. 

“I guess,” Matteo said, but David could tell he wasn’t quite convinced. This boy had no idea how wonderful he was. “I’m just trying to be the boyfriend you deserve.”

David smiled, overwhelmed by love and affection. He only had enough energy to close his eyes again and whisper, “Me too, Matteo, me too.”

“So,” Matteo said, a few moments later. “Do I just post it and tag it? Or do I write something too?” 

“That’s your call,” David barely whispered before surrendering himself to sleep. He could read whatever Matteo came up with in the morning. David knew it would be perfect. 

He was right. 

matteohno: New weighted blanket for when @da_vid.gif isn’t here. On lucky nights, I get both. ❤️ #actuallyautistic #nobutreally #imnotkidding #imautistic #surprise #ormaybeitsnotasurprise

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! 
> 
> I feel like I should be transparent, and say that part 6 will the final part of this section of the series. It isn’t necessarily the grand finale, but it will wrap up the block of stories and there won’t be a part 7 the following Monday. I’ll explain more next week! 
> 
> Anyways, see you next Monday for part 6! :)


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